Top Ten Reasons I am not a Stay-at-Home-Mom

10. I need at least 30 minutes of "planning" time every morning at my desk/kitchen table uninterupted to check facebook, my google reader, my email, and drink coffee. 2 weeks into summer and I have to get up at least 22 times each morning to get stuff - like juice, waffles, empty cups, banana peels, and other extremely inconvienient items that these kids keep asking for. (Whose kids are these people anyway!?) This morning they even asked me for BREAKFAST! The NERVE!!!!

9. I don't have enough money to stay at home AND send them to daycare.

8. I can't manage my time well. For example, each day at 4:45 I madly run around the house picking up breakfast plates, markers, paper, crafts, diapers, pajamas, 1/4 full cups of water, bathing suits, towels, toys, books, and bowls of cheeze-its. This is because Todd will be home soon and I don't want him to know what a slob I am. No, wait, he already knows. Well, I try to make the problem seem not quite so bad before he gets home. A good stay-at-home-mom would use her time more wisely and clean up as the day goes on. When Todd is home with the kids he cleans up as he goes, does 5 loads of laundry, picks up the dog shit, and plays with the kids!!

7. I don't really want to play with the kids all the time. I'd rather meet up with a friend and let them play/fight/yell/laugh while we drink beer and eat animal crackers.

6. I sometimes say "no" when they ask me to read them a story.

5. I let them watch "Despicable Me" and "Shrek Forever After" instead of taking an actual nap (although, I dare any of you to come over here and get twin 4 year old boys to nap in their beds. You might have success 1/5 days. Big deal.)

4. It's only been 2 weeks of summer and I am actually looking forward to going back to work.

3. The 4:00-6:00 hour is pure torture. No naps and high heat and general pissyness causes Todd to walk into an explosive situation every day. I feel badly that I am always about to lose my shit when he gets home, but god dammit, kids, can you just TAKE. A. NAP!? Or go play downstairs? Do you really need to be all up in my shit all day long and then get all screamy and mad at me when I tell you that we can't go to the pool in the middle of the thunderstorm or go play tennis in the 105 degree heat? Also? Can we avoid the temper tantrum at 5:00 every day when you are asked to leave someone's house/share a toy/get off your brother/clean up your mess/put back the oatmeal? Because these tantrums and the things you say are making me CRAZY! Today, Henry told me that he didn't want a mommy anymore and yesterday he told me he was "done with me." Owen repeatedly tells me I am going to jail and that I am a "meaniac." Don't get me wrong - the other 22 hours of the day are awesome. But the 2 hours in the late afternoon when they are exhausted, hungry, hot, and generally pissed off should actually count as the 120 reasons I am not a stay-at-home-mom - 1 for every minute of this time period each day. Phew.

2. I like Starbucks and wouldn't be able to get a nonfat vanilla latte if I didn't receive Starbucks gift cards from my students/coworkers.

1. And finally... it's too hard!!! I know, there is an endless debate about whose life is harder - the working mom or the stay-at-home mom?? I'll tell you what. The working mom of children between the ages of 2 and 5 has it easy. After that and before that - it's a toss up. Staying home with the boys when they were 1 was awesome and easy and fun. But now? Hard. Summer with kids older than 5? Going to be awesome. I think this summer is just a weird paradox of a 2 year old mommy-obsessed girl combined with twin 4 year olds that "don't need a nap" anymore and a mom that enjoys napping and drinking coffee. Yes, that's what I'm going with as my excuse for when they cart me away to my own special room with soft walls and people wearing white.....

(I just hope they leave me alone for my 30 minutes of planning time in the morning.)